Looking outside the window.

 Here I am. I don't write much. I am thinking a lot. I am doing what I can.

 I am currently busy with my drawings, trying to make sense of them.

I haven't forgotten about my beloved writing, which in fact I prefer to use it when I have inspiration for my book, but I understand that I cannot do everything at once too, I haven't stopped my science research, my astronomy studying or my cooking hobby, all my collapsing interests which they cannot even mix together, but is that so bad? Do I have to get grades and achievements at everything so I can "know" things? Do I have to keep a big number of followers so I can show my intellect around like a trophy? I prefer my silence or my ambient sounds to guide my feelings in my room, my dark music, my interests, myself, the people who love me and accept me. Well, maybe someday I'll have to make a living from an art page, or blog but I am not going to stop learning things that I love for me and only and not shake it in front of people's faces to show my extreme smartness. 

 My studies in psychology helped me understand not only myself but also the people around me and the pain they used to cause in my life. It is ok, I can understand, a young man can die anytime now.

The neglect and fear are terrible for people but they are also very good teachers. I pity all those famous people, the outgoing ones for being like that because they have no time for themselves, they don't know what they are behind the curtains and they keep lying to themselves about something that they are not. Alone you learn about yourself, I don't need fake friends or unnecessary interactions, I have my people. Meanwhile, I enjoy life inside my little box, watching my favorite movies, series with my boyfriend and playing my favorite video games while crying because I love them SO much! I could also use some traveling but I could not afford it either!

 And now that I am thinking about continuing the expansion of my photography collection I wish I could go for a stroll outside and photograph stars and planets or just photograph my vision of them but I can only dream about such visions. The world is just too big for me and life is so small for so many tasks at once. I used to hate life but now I understand that I fear it, actually I love it and that is because of the people who remind me of that, my boyfriend, my pets and my dysfunctional family. There is a big misconception about everything in the world, everyone thinks they know everything but they don't even know the closest things to them. If only they could ask... As I see there are so many things I want to do but also I can't, one of them is to write my book, another to stabilize my artistic way so I can finish my all visual arts degree but also don't want to stop photography and other mediums in my projects even though I cannot imagine a way to mix them with charcoal. Of course, there is no such problem as to mix different kinds of visual arts with such a degree but all you need is a portfolio to have a decent job out there and you need to focus at one thing at a time to achieve this way, so that's the only problem I have, there are so many things, so little time. I want to expand my education but my money do not allow me many options. I could be a model for a change but I am too shy for such things, even now I keep all my photoshoots for myself and the little circle in my social media accounts. I would like to start singing again but there are so many things that I'd rather do than try to do some covers.

 As everyone can see the amount of "I" is huge on this page, maybe the drama too sometimes but it's a shy page in general, drowned in silence. It is because I enjoy doing things for me, without showing too much of it in general. I enjoy privacy and could talk about my interests for hours while talking about documentaries and mysticism, such odd the way of life that I have. There is just so much philosophy to do in everything that I don't have the time to focus, I just go with the flow trying to memorize things and keep notes. I am scared of this perfectionism but I try to keep it cool as well.

I hope getting out of my country one day, will prove wise and give me closure to what I struggle to achieve as a person with myself. Until then, we have computers, this amazing machine that makes my life better, and love.