I have felt the fear. I was in terror, that's why I was different back then. Fear made me different. Made me locked inside myself. I wasn't talking. I remember being in the corner of the house trying to get away from monsters inside of it. I was a little one. I was just a little version of myself. Nobody could understand a little child, I couldn't tell anyone, I was just in panic, crying myself out, being able to remember almost every little detail of these nightmares, huge snakes trying to give me the deadly kiss and put me to bed afterwards. I have begged for mercy but I could not have any of it. I did nothing, I swear, but in the final I had to suffer, to taste the loneliness inside me, to make myself a warrior from the age of 5 or less and to learn that life is not good at the beginning. Therefore, I realised my mortal nature, I realised that everything can be lost and I am not going to feel safe anymore. Never again. I stopped trusting, feeling comfortable, insecurities transformed me, made me a shell and locked me inside it. Nobody could break it, and those who made their way inside harmed the fragile pieces of my wounded heart, made it even fragile, and so I went alone, in my mind.
Every night, another battle to be won. Every battle a threat. Every person a new strategy. I became a monitor myself. I learned to read people, to understand beneath the words, to scan them, to make myself strong and protected. My introverted nature made me more locked inside myself. Nobody could ever set me free from this. Nobody but myself when I was completely alone. But being alone could make it even painful. The process of being lonely made me strong, made me capable of understanding all of my surroundings, but made me also unable to live with any other living creatures beside me. My nature could be characterized as doomed or blessed, but I don't really care as life is a book of pages that someday they run out and we have to start all over again, writing and creating new things, uknown to us yet. I would rather stop here. This may go too far for me tonight.
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